Advice Needed

My new identity:
I have found that I need to define myself as yet another person: Hayden’s mom. Although I have been his mom for 5 1/2 years it has only been recently that he has friends old enough to just ring the doorbell and ask to come in to play. So I have found myself loving it when Hayden goes next door to play and dreading it when they come here. I have been working hard to find balance in being a “fun” mom and having order and rules in our house. I imagine that as each new situation comes up I will identify more and more rules that need to be set until most of them are dealt with. And then I need the kids to learn them. So any advice you have on rules you have when friends come to your house would be great so I know what to expect and I can have an idea of whether I am being unreasonable. A few things that are obvious to me are that friends are not allowed to go in the kitchen in search of snack, the need to ask or go home for lunch. Friends must actually be playing with Hayden not simply playing at our house. I wish I could be the fun house where everyone hangs out but I’m not in that phase of life, I usually have someone napping. Another rule I want is that he can only have one friend in the afternoon during naptime because more than that and they get too crazy. But then I feel bad when the girl next door rings the bell wanting to play, or if I let her come play and then Hayden’s best friend wants to come over of course he is going to want to kick out the girl if I say he can only have one friend... I try to just send them outside and it works for a while but it’s so hot I can’t blame them for not staying out! Anyway, I”m learning this all by trial and error and would love some advice! I just need thicker skin so I can deal with the sad looks when I turn them away and Hayden’s cries... help!

Buffy
August 28, 2008 9:29 AM
Tracey,
I can totally relate though I have no kids yet... I would feel the same trying to be a cool mom but not let things get out of control. We have quite a few little boys on our street that love to play in the wetlands behind our house. Since we have no fence yet, we often come home to little boys playing in our yard and patio. We don't want to be the mean neighbors but also want privacy and for them to learn boundaries. Though it is tough enforcing invisible ones!

Dave
August 28, 2008 9:34 AM
aaaah - i remember the day i realized that i had kids old enough to have other kids come over and want to play with them. and it hasn't been the same since.

our house has always been 'the house' because i am reluctant to let my kids go elsewhere - if i don't know their family or i haven't been in their home. so we always have kids over here.

what has worked for me: guests must follow the same house rules as my kids are expected to follow (no jumping on furniture, no slamming doors, no excessive screaming/shouting, etc.) If they aren't, i pull my child aside and tell them that their friend will have to go home if the rules aren't followed. that usually does the trick. let your child do the disciplining, in a sense - not you.
and if my kid is the one getting out of control, i tell them the same thing: friend will have to go if things don't settle down. you need to set the tone now - because you have years of having friends over ahead of you.

i have been pretty lucky with the kids in our area - there has been a time that morgan had a friend that always wanted to come over. her mom always wanted her over, too, for that matter. now i know why. she's out of control and disobedient, to be blunt. anyway - for kids like that, i have decided to severely limit her time over - i make all sorts of excuses. life is just too short. and i don't want to kill her. :)

sorry this is so long. good luck with all the new friends!

adina

Brooke
August 28, 2008 2:11 PM
Our house has always been "the house" as well. Most of the times I know the parents because we've lived in close little military communities but Mike and I determined while I was pregnant with Jane that we would do whatever we could to make our house the hang out for our teenage kids. So while I could go over to Jane's best friend's house in Georgia and find it looking like something out of Better Homes and Gardens while mine was strewn with pioneer dressups, jumpropes, grass clippings, and leftover sandwich crusts in my sink I was the one getting to spend time with my kids.

When they were younger our house rules were- no shoes in the house, everyone has to be nice to Jane's siblings and at times include them (if it was a choice of being able to play if Sadie could play with or not being able to play at all). No food outside the kitchen or away from the dining room table (outside being the exception of course). It worked well. I never really had to deal with loud kids at naptimes, my kids sleep through anything or they did.

As they have gotten older those rules have stayed the same. I do let Jane and her friend have icecream in the family room and whatever they eat as treats they have to clean it up so that I can't tell it was ever made (they like to cook and eat all my icecream). They have done a good job more or less.

Sadie's friends have been a little more crazy. I just try to keep them busy, start them coloring, or playing with playdough, or something along that line if they have to stay inside. They always do dressups but that gives them some structure part of the time.

Thick skin and a sense of humor and prayers for patience at those key moments. Sorry for the novel. Good luck.

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